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I tried committing suicide with Scotch & Vitamin E,

I'm a little hungover but my skin is amazing.

I decided I want to spice things up with my wife.

I told her I want to get into some role play.

I told her 'Pretend that you're someone who loves me'.

I met an old Irish lady and she had liquor on her breath.

I thought, 'Am I racist?'

I went to a psychic who told me my dog was going to die, so I had him put to sleep.

The dog, not the psychic. I didn't want him to be wrong and I wanted just a little control of the situation.

I don't want to be a victim of fate.

I was on a crowded train when a pregnant lady got on.

I said, 'Excuse me, Miss, do you want to stand here?'

Then some one offered her a seat,

I said. 'Hey I'm fat and tired and haven't had sex in 9 months, can I sit down?'

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