I tried committing suicide with Scotch & Vitamin E,
I'm a little hungover but my skin is amazing.
I decided I want to spice things up with my wife.
I told her I want to get into some role play.
I told her 'Pretend that you're someone who loves me'.
I met an old Irish lady and she had liquor on her breath.
I thought, 'Am I racist?'
I went to a psychic who told me my dog was going to die, so I had him put to sleep.
The dog, not the psychic. I didn't want him to be wrong and I wanted just a little control of the situation.
I don't want to be a victim of fate.
I was on a crowded train when a pregnant lady got on.
I said, 'Excuse me, Miss, do you want to stand here?'
Then some one offered her a seat,
I said. 'Hey I'm fat and tired and haven't had sex in 9 months, can I sit down?'